i'm exhausted, and yet, i cant sleep.
cant, or dont want to.

in 3 days, i've lost two ppl that were dear to me.
one by death, the other by choice.

maybe, its gods will.
i keep asking for signs, and i get none.
is that signs enough? or am i just convincing myself.

can i?
will i?
should i?
or am i....?

i keep praying for a second chance that wont come.
i keep hoping for something that will never happen.

too many words left unsaid, regrets at it's most vicious point, its tearing me apart.
i've been too feeble, too lazy, too hardhearted for one, too softhearted for the other, too kind, and yet too mean all at the same time. too judgemental, too stupid, too proud, too materialistic,too foolish, too hopeful.
i've procrastinated too much, not expecting things to end so soon.
ignorance is bliss? definitely not in this case. but then again, even if i were to know everything in advance, will i change things?

maybe i should be happy for popo.
that she has left all her pain, her suffering and went to a better place.
and she has all these wonderful ppl to love her, to miss her, to remember her.
though she has gone, she is a living proof of how there can be happy endings in life.
she is blessed with beautiful sons and daughters, and she blessed us with her strength and courage.
i can never be, half the woman she is.
she, was a miracle.
a beautiful miracle.


i wonder if i made the right decision.
but then again, right decisions always hurts so this must be right.
i've not been so afraid, so lonely for a long time.
i'm dreading the days to come esp tomorrow.
we all know what to expect, but it always exceeds our expectation, in a bad way.
like we never thought it would be this hard. but it is worse..far worse..

am i making sense?
i thought i wasnt but then again, when do i ever?
when i need to find solace, i find none.
maybe because i've never provided one.
i make excuses for people just cause i fear...
when i need to talk, i keep quiet cause i never know the right thing to say.
i look at myself, and i keep asking, have i really been such a failure?
then i start laughing cause i realised this isnt the first time i've asked this question,
and i've long known the answer..