i'm exhausted, and yet, i cant sleep.
cant, or dont want to.

in 3 days, i've lost two ppl that were dear to me.
one by death, the other by choice.

maybe, its gods will.
i keep asking for signs, and i get none.
is that signs enough? or am i just convincing myself.

can i?
will i?
should i?
or am i....?

i keep praying for a second chance that wont come.
i keep hoping for something that will never happen.

too many words left unsaid, regrets at it's most vicious point, its tearing me apart.
i've been too feeble, too lazy, too hardhearted for one, too softhearted for the other, too kind, and yet too mean all at the same time. too judgemental, too stupid, too proud, too materialistic,too foolish, too hopeful.
i've procrastinated too much, not expecting things to end so soon.
ignorance is bliss? definitely not in this case. but then again, even if i were to know everything in advance, will i change things?

maybe i should be happy for popo.
that she has left all her pain, her suffering and went to a better place.
and she has all these wonderful ppl to love her, to miss her, to remember her.
though she has gone, she is a living proof of how there can be happy endings in life.
she is blessed with beautiful sons and daughters, and she blessed us with her strength and courage.
i can never be, half the woman she is.
she, was a miracle.
a beautiful miracle.


i wonder if i made the right decision.
but then again, right decisions always hurts so this must be right.
i've not been so afraid, so lonely for a long time.
i'm dreading the days to come esp tomorrow.
we all know what to expect, but it always exceeds our expectation, in a bad way.
like we never thought it would be this hard. but it is worse..far worse..

am i making sense?
i thought i wasnt but then again, when do i ever?
when i need to find solace, i find none.
maybe because i've never provided one.
i make excuses for people just cause i fear...
when i need to talk, i keep quiet cause i never know the right thing to say.
i look at myself, and i keep asking, have i really been such a failure?
then i start laughing cause i realised this isnt the first time i've asked this question,
and i've long known the answer..

I GOT A LAPTOP!! :D :D :D
excited and happy much! :D
and guess what? i got myself the very laptop that i told myself i will never buy.
a lenovo thinkpad. HAHAHA
actually, partly becase i find it really ugly.
but after comparing and everything, i think its really the most sensible and practical choice?
because for one thing, it doesnt spoil easily even if i drop it or spill stuffs on it. HAHA.
and being the klutz i am, i will most probably do both. ;)
HAHAHA and it has higher definition and bigger memory compared to the other brands.
and many thanks to rw and n!
thanks to their advice and patience, i am a happy and satisfied girl. :D
and i really am a total tech idiot. so now, im trying to figure out and get used to the lappy. :D
am typing this post now with my new laptop.
it really gives me a sense of satisfaction to say MY laptop. HAHAHAHA


anw, the thailand trip was AWESOMEEEE!!!
the stuffs there were realllllly cheap and beautiful!
it was like a shoppping spree for me and b. HAHAHA
i saw the maniac shopping side of b for the first time. SCARYYYY.
hahaha..
initially thought it would be pretty weird with b and my mum in the same room but...
they ended up being best friends.
NB. they even left me out of their conversations!
so you can tell how lonely i was.. HAHAHA
but i met some pretty awesome people on the trip and my godmother was super generous and nice as usual.
mum was super kind as well. letting me buy whatever i want :D
and b? he was super sweet. he rarely lost his temper and was super sweet to me the whole time. HAHAHAH

life's pretty good for now and i really am looking forward to school.
i guess thats all for now. :)

oh, and do check out www.agapecloset.com 's collection 3. (:

LOVES,

this is like... the longest time i have ever been away from blogger i think..
HAHAHA.
after having been away from the com for so long, i dont feel that obsessive need to use it everyday anymore.
but sooon.. sooon after i get my own laptop, things will change again. ;D

anw, the reason i've been away is because of work.
no surprise there.
im so fucking major tired and have i ever mentioned that i really resent having to wake up early for ANYTHING. ok maybe only for work or sch.
but honestly. my eyebags and dark circles are really scary now.
HAHAHA.
but i still love my job.
i have fun and enjoy what i do.
although sometimes, i really get fucking pissed off at customers who think they are ALWAYS right.
yes i understand they are the ones who gives us business and buy our stuffs BUT so are the other customers.
who gave them the effing right to lord over the others?
thank god for nice friendly and warm people who are polite as well.
they keep me sane.

anw, these 3 weeks i've been away, lot'sa stuffs been happening as well.
x and t were sweet to visit me at work,
and munchys as welll..
celebrated v's and f's b'day.
both time, we gave them a very pleasant surprise,
by turning up on their doorstep. HAHAHA
and on v's b'day celebration, i did something i never thought i would have the guts to.
i fucking bungee jumped.
no thanks to val. HAHAHA
but i really enjoyed myself. and i find it quite funny as to how a stupid harmless joke turned out this way.
but poor f really had a hard time on his special day
not gonna elaborate. (:

and, my phone totally died on me.
nbccccccccb.
but not really surprising considering the amount of times i dropped it. HAHAHA
using my dad's old phone now. but it looks damn new still and is in a good condition.
i really dont understand how he keeps it that way. HAHAHA

anw anw anw, the main thang is...
im going to thailand for a short trip this coming monday.
im so hyped up for it! honestly cant wait! :D
am going with B, my mum and godmum and godbro.
im driving myself nuts with my excitement. :D
driving b nuts as welllll. :D
ahaha. but b's gonna share a room with me, and my mum. HAHAHA
wonder how it will be like! it will be funny to watch. ;)

stilll gotta work tmr so im offf. :)
LOADS OF LOVE,