6 months is a short short period of time.
realising this fact, im suddenly burdened by the guilt of wondering what have i done for her?
for anyone?
reading all the emails circulated between the uncles and my dad, i feel so damn useless.
unlike the rest of them uncles, we are unable to dish out 10k just like this for her medical expenses.
money wise, we cant do shit.
emotionally wise? looking back, we gather only every few months or so. and visit them when its not any special occasion, 2 or 3 times a year. in addition, we only see her a few times a year. probably only 6? thats goddamn pathetic.
when we do meet up, we only do pleasantries.. have i ever talked to them as i should do?
to make myself feel better, maybe yes. a few times as i grew older and understood things better, i talked to them like i do to adults.. joked with them though half the time, i couldn't understand their language and had to ask mum and dad to translate.
have i ever made any real effort to learn the hainan language?
while visiting her in the hospital last sunday.. mum and dad could tell how much weight she's loss, but i could only try, and remember how much she's changed.
i felt a pang then, discovering what a stranger i had become.
in that 1 and a 1/2 hour session, we talked more in an hour than we have ever done.
i had 16 years and 10 months to treasure this kinship but i didnt.
and now, im only left with 6 more months or less.
failing in this 2 aspects, what else can i do?
what else is there for me to do?
the one thing i hate to do most is to regret.
but now, i would give anything to turn back time and treasure this kinship more.
this feels like a mess.
i feel like a goddamn loser.
i fail, in so many aspects of life that i begin to wonder.. just what is my purpose?
JINLONG,