October 30, 2008
clare posted at 3:19 AM
if only, life was as simple as flicking the ashes off a cigg.
i have this sudden impulse to do something.. wild, something thats totally not me.
like.. idk..? just letting go and having a ball of a time?
many a times, i feel im too restricted by my fears, by other's opinions.
but at the same time, i wish so badly that i could do something that would make my parents proud of me, for once.
something that would at least prove that my existence wasn't for nought.
and silly ideas getting into my head.
zomfg.
what am i doing here blogging bout random stuffs that might not even make sense.
if only life doesn't hold so much sentimental values. then, it will at least be easier to let go.
blogsurfing makes me feel like a stalker sometimes.
but you know what? i couldn't care less.
cause its pretty entertaining when you see snippets of thoughts invoking comments, and im so tempted to just copy and paste it down sometimes.. but then again, i always stop myself in time to post it out because..idk? it just doesnt feel right..
with so many things going on, i wonder why i'm even blogging.
this just doesnt feel right..
its like.. i dont see me in my blogposts anymore.
im blogging for the mere sake of blogging.
speaking in riddles is quite fun sometimes but exasperating all at the same.
sigh. i just dont get it.
October 29, 2008
clare posted at 11:06 PM
i wish i had the same ability, to hide away when i have problems and settle them on my own. brace myself and then stand on my two feet after all's done and all's fine again.
i wish i had the same ability, to write what i want to, to say what's deep inside, and to let out and vent whenever i feel like.
i wish i had the same ability to do well, in every aspects. not to fail, and to play the game by its rules and still emerge a winner.
but i just dont..
October 28, 2008
clare posted at 12:09 AM
i came home to an empty house today.
and i cant tell you HOW GOOD THAT FEEELS.
LOLOL
my family is at a family chalet with the rest of my uncles and aunties.
this feels so freeee..
like i can do whatever i want. lol.
but if this was going to be on a long term basis, i guess im gonna feel pretty lonely.
and,
munchys, I MISS YOU TO THE MAX.
please. after my O's, lets meet up! i dont mind sponsoring the mamma mia dvd. HAHAHA!
saw lipmin and jesslyn today at cwp.
and i realise, i
miss everyone from cchy.
like major, tons and truckloads. :(((((
sometimes, i dont think even i myself know whats wrong with me.
im sorry boyf has to be the one suffering my moodswings.
he's been ever so patient though and im really grateful..
thank you. :)
October 22, 2008
clare posted at 12:17 AM
i feel like nothings going right.
i feel like im once again at the lowest point that life can offer.
October 19, 2008
clare posted at 10:26 PM
Tomorrow, first paper.
chemistry.
holy shit.
im now a bunch of pure nerves.
fuck fuck fuck.
clare posted at 4:02 AM
6 months is a short short period of time.
realising this fact, im suddenly burdened by the guilt of wondering what have i done for her?
for anyone?
reading all the emails circulated between the uncles and my dad, i feel so damn useless.
unlike the rest of them uncles, we are unable to dish out 10k just like this for her medical expenses.
money wise, we cant do shit.
emotionally wise? looking back, we gather only every few months or so. and visit them when its not any special occasion, 2 or 3 times a year. in addition, we only see her a few times a year. probably only 6? thats goddamn pathetic.
when we do meet up, we only do pleasantries.. have i ever talked to them as i should do?
to make myself feel better, maybe yes. a few times as i grew older and understood things better, i talked to them like i do to adults.. joked with them though half the time, i couldn't understand their language and had to ask mum and dad to translate.
have i ever made any real effort to learn the hainan language?
while visiting her in the hospital last sunday.. mum and dad could tell how much weight she's loss, but i could only try, and remember how much she's changed.
i felt a pang then, discovering what a stranger i had become.
in that 1 and a 1/2 hour session, we talked more in an hour than we have ever done.
i had 16 years and 10 months to treasure this kinship but i didnt.
and now, im only left with 6 more months or less.
failing in this 2 aspects, what else can i do?
what else is there for me to do?
the one thing i hate to do most is to regret.
but now, i would give anything to turn back time and treasure this kinship more.
this feels like a mess.
i feel like a goddamn loser.
i fail, in so many aspects of life that i begin to wonder.. just what is my purpose?
clare posted at 12:43 AM
this feels like a nightmare.
what to do?
what can we do?
suddenly, the words seems foreign to me.
6 more months?
what do they mean by that?
this feels like a joke.
a very cruel joke.
October 16, 2008
clare posted at 12:00 AM
HAPPY 2nd MONTH ANNIVESARY MY BOY! :DDD
i love you so much so much! :Dlooking back, i cant believe that time passes so fast..
this 2 months have been wonderful with you.
thank you for everything love. :)
October 13, 2008
clare posted at 12:45 AM
i think that people always only see the good in life and dive into uncertainties head on, only to find themselve stuck head down in a stinky, smelly shithole.
or maybe, its just me.
whatever.
3 more days!
HOLY CRAP.
im shitting in my pantszxszxs outta fear..
how now brown cow.
but on the bright side, theres our 2nd month to look forward to. :D
im craving for a big cuppa bitter coffee at starbucks.
i need caffeine.
ok. scratch that.
i guess i need alcohol after all.
October 9, 2008
clare posted at 1:42 AM
OMGGGG!!!!!
I MUST MUST MUST GET JAY CHOU'S NEW ALBUM!!
go listen to his
album preview!
how can anyone say its not awesome?!!
jay chou is good shit. ;)
my personal favourites for this album are rice fragrance, capricorn, da vinci's canvas and red daughte! :D :D :D
OH YES OH YES OH YES. good shit! HAHAHAHA
clare posted at 12:30 AM
fuck you ferran tan!
because of you, this bastard, we didnt manage to catch mamma mia!
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE WAITED JUST TO WATCH THE MOVIE??
you piece of shit.hahaha.
but its ok..
cause for the whole 3 hours or so we were all tgt,
i nagged at him like hell.
he so deserved it :D
he still dare to cheat me of my one dollar after that!
this guy never learns his lessons..
anw, havent been online for the past 2 days cause there was a problem with my internet connection..
but its been miraculously repaired. so all's good. :)
officially, 7 days to the big O.
October 6, 2008
clare posted at 12:15 AM
staring at kiwi fruit,
boyf asked : '' why the potato so hairy one''
HAHAHAHAHA. that sentence made me laugh until my stomach ached.
:D fucking cute.. LOLOL
he didnt even know it was a kiwi. :)
okk... the camp was.. alright..
but the instructors were AWESOME.
they were freaking nice luh. in fact too nice cause i felt some of us didnt really deserve their kindness.
but it was boring in some ways and i feel that the environment wasnt a very constructive one to study in.
oh wells... at least i had xuan, asmine, pelyn, vic, krystal and noni(not sure about the spelling. )
to play with. ;)
and i have a DAMN GOOD movie to introduce!
go watch
BIG STAN!!!!
its my favourite movie nowww!!
its FANTASTIC!!
i swear upon my life. :D
its funny, with a wonderful storyline..
its plain awesomeness. :D
and oh yes.
MAMMA MIA this WED with MUNCHYS! :D
can't wait! :)
and i cant sing hysteria for nuts!
HAHAHA!
im tired..
BYE ALLLL. :)
JINLONG,