from the day i took my o level results till the results for the posting, never once have i let myself get emotional.
thinking what good would it do even if i start thinking negative.
but i realise now, its more like i was afraid to..
afraid, that people would look down more on me than they did before if i started to get emotional.it was and IS my own fault that things are now like this anyway.
afraid, that once i started getting emotional, it means that things are a definite gonner.
afraid, that i will spoil the atmosphere or burden people with that useless emotional baggage.
the simplest way, to me, of forgetting existing problems are to run away, or make jokes out of them.
but things have now come to this point that i cant run away, nor can i bear to make jokes about.
then i realise, i dont know what to do at all.
what good would reflections or regrets do at this time.
ironies and contradictives.
wonder how many times have i had the conversation about not learning from the same mistakes with myself or others.
but it always ends with the same few words, with me saying the same old things.
and then the whole cycle repeats itself again.
everythings ruined.
my heart feels like its been squeezed and left to die.
i feel that consistent pain reminding me over and over again what a failure i have been.
i want to talk. i want to tell.
but i dont know who to run to and i dont know who to cry to.
all at the same time, i want to hide and play pretend.
i have always thought the word 'mock', was an ugly word.
but now, its the only apt word to use.
despair and despise.
i and me.
i'm sorry.
for being the big disappointment i am.
and not being worthy enough of everyone's care and concern.
JINLONG,