got back our chinese O'level results today.
felt strangely calm just before i went up to get my results. perhaphs because i already knew i did badly..
but still.. i held that tiny tinge of hope that i could have AT LEAST gotten a b4.
HOW FOOLISH!
when i saw my results,i managed to laugh..just barely...forcing myself to laugh and joke about my pathetic results was somehow more difficult than i expected it to be..
i wanted badly to cry..
but i asked myself,what right do i have to even cry?
None at all.
my result today is the result of my own doing..or should i say...undoing. .
retaking the exam is not an option now.. but even after retaking,does it neccesarily mean that i might get better results?
it might just be a waste of time and money again.
but i've got no choice.. haven't i...?
is it all going to be like that?
im disappointed in myself more than anything.
DAMN IT.
this is THE O'LEVEL im talking about.
whats wrong with me??
and why?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY do you have to come talk to me when i have decided to forget everything?
when i finally set my heart on forgetting you..
you ALWAYS have to come back..
and than leave me yearning for more.
my heart hurts like anything.
but you don't know..do you...?
but just seeing your msgs makes me smile.
only YOU can make me feel like a small kid all over again,wanting/needing her fathers approval and recognition..or yours,in this case.
feeling so helpless all over again..
so lost.
i don't know what to do about my studies..
my future.
him..
and everything else..
im feeling so tired.
& i'm really sorry..for not cherising the past.
JINLONG,