i think i like the feeling of being drunk.
coz with the feeling of drunk. comes HIGH.
but NO. it doesnt help u to forget ur problems.
in fact if anything. i feel that it makes it worse?

when i was drunk..smhow i felt like i could control how i was acting.
instead of being dumb nd riduculous. i CAN be normal.
but i din wan to.
i wanted to just let go of myself.
nd wif the feeling of being drunk..comes the feeling of false bravado.
i did things that i dun normally dare. said things that i wun normaly admit.
even though i knew it was a NO WAY-er. nd NO CHANCE-er.
but i did it. even though i noe i will regret it in times to come.

so many blardy things are just farking happenning.
although i had loads of fun. nd pretended i din care.
it hurts.
it still hurts.
seeing them play like that. somehow..i feel..maybe they would have made a better pair.
nd i was a mistake.
well.. i was.
the first chance given to me.. i messed up. nd no second chance will come.

the whole time i was drunk. i could think.
and if anything..i think i thought more clearly than i could when im sober.
but wheni was drunk. i felt more alone than ever..
i thought about the past. nd how things have become.
everything is a mess. including me.
no. especially me.


it wasnt easy having to act normal. in front of everyone.
i just had to get out of that place.
nd somehow. that made it worse.


i reali din appreciate the digs that came at me.
u knew how i felt.
but to u it was like some kinda joke???
like hell. i was feeling messed up enuf..i din nid u to make it worser.
but hell. the worse thing was u din noe it hurt.
u nd him.playing.
OH GOSH. im jealous?
like hell. DUH. though i had no reasons to. i know fully well i dun have the rights to.
but..i still am.
nd i shldnt have bllame u for it?
but i dun think u knew.
maybe i shld have explained..
instead of sulking there nd giving u attitude.
but i din noe how.
nd i couldn't..
i din noe how to make myself not angry.
i forgot how to forgive.
maybe u were drunk.
but the things u said reali hurt.
nd it still does.
i keep on telling myself.
its ur unconscious mind talking.
but somehow..that made it worse..
coz it seemed like that was wat u oways thought about me..
nd the beer is helping u to say it out.
its not that i dun care?
but i was like farking drunk too.
nd anger made me wat i was nd still am.



and if anything.
it made me realise i want u more than ever.
but it hurts..
it hurts like farking hell to noe that it will NEVER EVER HAPPEN.
LIKE HELL.
all the ciggarettes wasnt there for attention.
it was for me to forget everything.
not that it worked though.


i think i messed up more than ever?
oh wells. i oways do..
nd u WUN care.

i think im dumb.
knowing full well that there wun be a second chance..
i was still so hopeful..that things were gonna be right again.
nd i dun think u care.

y shld u? or anybody else for that matter.


nd i know. if u ever see this. it will make u angry.
but theres nth i can do.
nd im sorry.
for the past... for everithing.

it was all a mistake from the start...
not mine but yours..
coz u shldn't have chose me.




&&PROMISESwere meant to be broken.